QUENTIN LETTS: Eyelashes Andy touched his chest to signal sincerity, adopted the intimate tone of a daytime TV presenter and peered through those Leslie Crowther spectacles like a living euphemism

By QUENTIN LETTS, PARLIAMENTARY SKETCHWRITER Published: 14:41, 29 July 2026 | Updated: 16:08, 29 July 2026 Andy Burnham was visiting a Jewish old people's home in London. 'Look, Miriam, there's the Prime Minister.' 'Don't be ridiculous, nurse. I'm not so dotty I'd believe that apologetic piece of fluff could be our PM.' In a throbbingly hot day-room Mr Burnham gave a speech about how the country might pay for old-age care. He did so with minimal reference to taxes. Don't mention the T word. Eyelashes Andy is a sideways piece of work. He touches his chest to signal sincerity. Lowers his voice and swivels, adopting the intimate tone of a daytime TV presenter. He peers through those Leslie Crowther spectacles, says 'fantastic', 'amazing', 'incredibly', 'lovely', edging away from unpleasantness. A living euphemism. Mitigation in trousers. It is adroitly done but at the end you look at your notebook and realise he has said remarkably little. The vulgar topic of bills was avoided. He did hint that carers would be paid more but there was no explanation how. Sales people use the same technique. They are trained not to mention the cost of a subscription until the end of their patter. Worm yourself into their confidence. Whack 'em with the price only at the last moment. Yvette Cooper, newly demoted to Helf Seccetary (that is how she pronounces it), opened the event. Yvette was in playgroup-leader mode, speaking in her baby voice with glottal-stoppy uplift. She threw wide her arms in wonder and noted that this was the 23rd time politicians had promised to reform social care. We could be sure it was serious this time because there was going to be – drum roll - a 'dementia tsar'. A soppy look came to her face. 'Ultimately we are here because of leadership, and the leadership of Andy Burnham.' Mr Burnham's left eye closed in sticky satisfaction at his underling's treacle. Lord Levy, Tony Blair's not-uncomplicated former tennis partner, was in the front row. So was Angela Rayner. Neither was asked to speak. Instead we had a humblebrag effort from Lady Casey, who launched a Big Conversation on social care. If that sounded familiar it was because Tony Blair's government also ran a Big Conversation. I went to its 2003 opening in Newport, Gwent, and watched Gordon Brown at a plastic table opposite two members of the public, trying to make small talk. Agony for all involved. Andy Burnham gave a speech as he visited a care home in London earlier today Health Secretary Yvette Cooper noted that this was the 23rd time that politicians had promised to reform social care The Prime Minister spoke to residents as he discussed how social care would be funded Lady Casey (who may be just a bit of an egomaniac) eventually shut up and the Prime Minister shuffled to his feet, head down, shoulders dipping. He likes to brush forward his inky hair. Odd for a man of 56. 'I was going to speak from notes,' he mumbled, 'but I've just got to speak from the heart.' What a corker. It was almost as good as Blair's 'this is no time for soundbites but I feel the hand of history on my shoulder'. He spoke of his father's decline, the kindly immigrants who looked after him and how the time for 'point-scoring' was at an end. Mentioning his dad, he sounded close to tears. The provision of care for the old would be 'a test for the political and media culture'. This was the time to put aside 'point-scoring'. Indeed, he had asked Kemi Badenoch and Sir Ed Davey to talks. Check! The media were largely to blame for this 'point-scoring'. If journalists resorted to 'over-writing' by mentioning taxes, it would be appalling. This is called scoring your own points first. He was starting to repeat himself, words coming haltingly. A woman in the front row was wearing a remarkably short hemline. Was Andy's mind wandering? 'I'm not gonna be deflected by the point-scoring or screaming headlines,' he droned. A reporter from ITV, quite disgracefully, asked if he intended to raise taxes. Mr Burnham burbled for a bit before saying he hoped social care could be funded initially from 'existing budgets'. But that might change. At which point Lady Casey pushed herself into the ring and put a stop to the contest.