Faking football: How to bluff your way through England's quarter-final clash with Norway - from Bellingham's and Haaland's 'bromance'... to manager Thomas Tuchel's steamy love life

Published: 00:40, 11 July 2026 | Updated: 00:55, 11 July 2026 Whether you like football or not, England versus Norway will be unavoidable. It will encroach on weddings, dinner parties and barbecues later today, and the fever it provokes will be infectious. A balmy afternoon of national anticipation will also trigger football bores and nerds, who come out like flying ants for such occasions. You may well find yourself standing next to one. So, in the interests of levelling the playing field, here's a cheat sheet of nuggets that will let you hold your own in any football conversation. When the WAG stereotype gets wheeled out, casually mention Erling Haaland's other half, Isabel Haugseng Johansen. A fine athlete herself, she played for Bryne FK – now in the Norwegian women's football First Division – where she met a teenage Haaland. They had a baby boy in December 2024. Johansen inverts the classic WAG aesthetic exemplified by Victoria Beckham, Cheryl Tweedy, Coleen Rooney et al in Baden-Baden during the 2006 World Cup. Her style is Scandi minimalism with clean tailoring, muted colours and indifference to celebrity. Erling Haaland with his girlfriend Isabel Haugseng Johansen. The couple welcomed a baby boy in December 2024 Haaland, on the other hand, has become football's fashion maximalist, happily stepping out in zebra-print pyjamas and carrying handbags the size of suitcases. Do say: 'Essentially, she's the one who knows how to track back defensively. He's too busy browsing Hermes Birkin handbags.' Don't say: 'Rebecca Vardy is innocent.' Plenty of football bores will reel off possession percentages and shots-on-goal stats, but most will trip up over Norwegian name pronunciations. This is your opportunity to poach a goal. Norway's striker Erling Haaland is not 'Er-ling Ha-land', it's 'A-lin Haw-lan'. And midfielder, Martin Ødegaard, is not 'Mar-tin Ode-gard'. It is pronounced closer to 'Ma-tin Ur-de-gord'. Do say: 'The Norwegian letter 'Ø' is tricky, but it's pronounced as 'urr', without an r-sound.' Don't say: 'Why do they use the national speed limit sign in their names?' Martin Ødegaard, who plays for Norway and Arsenal, has the Norwegian letter 'Ø' in his name When the men in the room start sweating over Norway's physical dominance, bring up the ultimate historical trump card from the women's game. At Euro 2022, the England Lionesses completely dismantled Norway in a record-breaking 8-0 demolition that took them to the quarter-finals. Remind the room that the English women have already shown exactly how to break the Scandinavian spirit. Do say: 'Let's just hope the men channel the 2022 Lionesses. That eight-nil thrashing must remain a psychological scar for Norway.' Don't say: 'I really enjoyed the Dallas Cowboys cheerleaders at the England-Croatia match.' Ellen White celebrated her third goal as England's Lionesses thrashed Norway 8-0 at Euro 2022, the competition's biggest-ever winning margin When a score-bore attempts to mansplain World Cup goal stats to you, head him off with this: With 14 World Cup goals, Harry Kane is the top World Cup goalscorer in England's history, having bypassed Gary Lineker's previous record of ten. He has also surpassed Brazil icon Pele (12 goals) during this tournament run. Do say: 'Fourteen World Cup goals? Lineker must be crying into his crisps.' Don't say: 'How many points is a goal worth?' Harry Kane became England's all-time leading World Cup goalscorer during this year's tournament One of the subtexts of this match will be the bromance between England's poster boy, Jude Bellingham, and Norway's Haaland. Their time playing together at German club Borussia Dortmund provided a goldmine of online content, and their genuinely close relationship and on-and-off-pitch interactions have been compared to the hit same-sex sports romance novel, Heated Rivalry. Do say: 'It's the mark of a true pro, being able to balance friendship with competitive rivalry.' Don't say: 'I bet they just want to hug at the end of the game.' Jude Bellingham and Erling Haaland played together at German club Borussia Dortmund England manager Thomas Tuchel has done his best to let his managerial expertise do the talking, having been burned by drama that spilled over into the dressing room. In 2022, when he was managing Chelsea, his wife of 13 years Sissi – a highly respected journalist for German daily newspaper Süddeutsche Zeitung – filed for divorce, prompting toxic gossip inside the Chelsea dressing room. He then quickly partnered a Brazilian girlfriend 13 years his junior. Tuchel remains intensely protective of his private life and that of his two children. Do say: 'Tuchel is brilliant, but let's hope his tactical focus is separate from his private life.' Don't say: 'I hear he once had model looks, and frankly he's still got it.' Thomas Tuchel pictured with his then-wife Sissi, a journalist in Germany, in 2018 England's most serious World Cup campaign injury so far wasn't caused by a crunching tackle or a clash of heads. Instead, midfielder Jordan Henderson, who sat out the entire England-Mexico game on the subs' bench, snapped his wrist celebrating his side's dramatic victory. He tripped over an advertising hoarding. It has been described as 'the most England thing' to have ever happened. Do say: 'Only England could lose a player after the match had actually finished.' Jordan Henderson snapped his wrist while jumping over an advertising board after England's win against Mexico last week There's a subtle code that real fans understand when it comes to replica kit. If you want to know who's watched football all year and who's just turned up for the World Cup, look at the shirt. Brand-new replica shirts with the creases still in them scream: 'I've only really come for the barbecue.' Do say: 'This Gazza Italia 90 shirt? Just something I pulled out of the cupboard.' Don't say: 'It was on a special deal in Sports Direct this morning.' Paul Gascoigne (right) was consoled by teammate Terry Butcher after losing the 1990 World Cup semi-final to West Germany England fans have spent years defending Jordan Pickford from opposition supporters who insist he has short 'T-Rex arms' despite being one of the country's greatest penalty-saving goalkeepers. Newcastle supporters have made the joke into an art form, taking inflatable dinosaurs to matches against Pickford's Everton, and dressing as Tyrannosaurus Rexes to distract him. Do say: 'Funny how the bloke with the "T-Rex arms" keeps saving penalties.' Don't say: 'Who's the short guy with the big gloves?' England goalkeeper Jordan Pickford has been teased by fans, who have poked fun at his 'T-Rex arms' Nothing turns otherwise sensible adults into quivering wrecks quite like an England penalty shootout. Years of heartbreak have conditioned us to expect the worst, but England have quietly turned penalties from a national trauma into something approaching a science. Sports psychologists encourage penalty-taking players to pause after the referee blows the whistle. Do say: 'Watch how long they take before the run-up. England are coached not to rush these.' Don't say: 'I just want to give the one who misses a big hug. It's only a game, after all!' England last won a penalty shootout against Switzerland in the quarter-final of Euro 2024, when Pickford saved a spot kick from Manuel Akanji