Aches and strains seem worse with age but we ambling amateur footballers just can’t let go | Max Rushden

I’m now at a time of life where a rib injury can feel like a ruptured spleen but playing still trumps watching, so we go again. Again

I woke up a few weeks ago with a searing pain under my left ribs. I ruled out heart attack relatively quickly – I haven’t read about your heart sagging as you enter deep middle age, or whatever your late 40s is. Breathing was uncomfortable, but not short – there were no stabbing pains. Inhaling ached, and it turns out you inhale all the time.

Once I was confident of seeing out the remainder of the day, I started Googling other potential ailments in this region, confidently seizing upon ruptured spleen. It sounded impressive enough to put in a WhatsApp group. And so I went with it.